Happiness??

I recently watch a TED talk on the subject of happiness and it got me to thinking about mine. I guess that’s a question everyone asks themselves every day: Will this make me happy? Am I happy? Etc… But I don’t think many of us really truly look at it from a deeper stand point. I mean other than regarding the current moment; we don’t ever take a step back and analyze our lives at a whole.

The talk was recommended to me by my boyfriend, not because he thinks I’m unhappy but because he knows I enjoy travel and it’s used as an example. 

The speaker’s main point was that we should separate our experience self and our memory self, and both have differences in happiness.  Or more clearly it’s the difference between us experiencing something and being happy in the present moment to moment and having a memory of an experience and how pleased we are with our remembered lives.

So the money question is am I happy? And most importantly what is happiness to me?

Truth is I’m not happy in my daily life. Most of my experience daily is a succession of let downs. Mostly because I set goals or expectations that I don’t live up to and I punish myself and feel bad for not doing better.

It’s a catch 22, I feel overwhelmed or unhappy trying to live up to these tasks or failing to do so; or because I worked so hard, went through adversity the reward makes me very happy.  So should I be unhappy in the moment to have a happier memory in the end?

This is mostly spurred on by money, health or accomplishing larger life goals. So is it just me that is not fulfilling my own dreams and experiences, ie I’m ruining my own happy experience?

I think in part it is. In terms of money I do feel happier when I have more money and am not worrying about making ends meet. When I was earning more I found I was more motivated and easier going with my daily life. So I was happy in one way. However I was miserable in my job and that unhappiness branched out into other aspects of my life. So was I really happy? I don’t think so.  And more so now that I am making less but am in a job that I like for a number of reasons I find I’m happier but also have to deal with the troubles of financial woe.

The speaker did mention that money does play a role in experiential happiness. For people that earn $60,000 their experiences and happiness during them don’t rise the more money they make, however people who earn less get more and more unhappy in their experiences in the struggle to make ends meet.  Both may have happy memories and be happy with their lives but their present moments of experience are unhappy. Is this happening with me?

Now besides money, I am a person spurred on by life experiences. I have been working on my bucket list and find while I am afraid and not having the best moment to moment experience at the time, the feeling of accomplishment and memory of the occurrences to me are worth it. So in that case I am very happy with my remembered life and memories. I don’t need to have a in the moment happy experience.

In terms of my traveling and love of doing it I think it hits both aspects of happiness. It is defiantly something I do for the memories and experiences and I remember them with fond recollection. I feel happy with my life for going around the world and doing strange things. My adventures make for good stories and connections with other people. Strangely I am also happy in the moment. During my travels I’m able to step back and appreciate what I’m experiencing. This is probably one part of my life where I am happy all the time before, during and after. That may be why I love doing it over and over again.

So what’s worth more to me? Current or remembered happiness? Deep down I believe my memories and remembered experiences are who I am and make a difference in how I act in the current moment.

Am I happy with my life? Yes I think I am. I’ve accomplished and done so many things I can only be happy with my memories. These have formed me into a person I am proud of. The thing I have to remember is to stop and smell the roses every once in a while. I need to make sure I live in the moment more and ensure I’m happy with it.

What do you think? What makes you happy?

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/daniel_kahneman_the_riddle_of_experience_vs_memory.html

Something to think about

I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love. I felt in myself a superabundance of energy which found no outlet in our quiet life.

- leo Tolstoy

Battling the Enemy: Motivation

I started this blog to remember my bucket list so I’d have a record of my experiences and thoughts before, after and during the adventures. I knew that I wouldn’t be posting them every day or even every week but I thought I’d keep up to date and regularly post something.

Turns out I’ve really been in the bad on posting anything. And what makes it worse is that means that I’m not doing anything either. No bucket list, no adventures, no nothing.

So why the nothing? Why the halt in my writing, my adventures, my action?

Meet my biggest enemy: Motivation

I am a procrastinator. I wont lie I am. Lazy would be another word but I feel like I am active ish and with all my travels, socializing, and adventures I can’t believe I’m too lazy. But there it is, procrastination is my middle name.

I think it comes from being scared to do something. I get nervous even building up to having to call and inquire about something important. As a child we never talked about our problems or how to solve them. You figured it out on your own. So mustering up the energy to do something or say something and it not work out is a huge blow; to not only not getting the thing done but also your ego. It’s another reminder you are alone in this, no one will be there to help you out or get you out of it.

It’s also a typical learn from example scenario. I grew up surrounded by people who didn’t follow through or put things off. Still to this day they are promising things they will never get around to doing. Now I work very hard to not be this way, cus that would suck and I hate letting people down. But I know I don’t follow through enough. And the person it hurts most is me.

Besides the deep seeded traits of my youth, haha, I think money has a huge effect on my motivation. Since I switched jobs and my money flow is now super tight I find it hard for me to get energized to do something. It’s a tug a war between the need to save money and the want to have a social life and have fun. Most of the time fun looses.

As I stay in more I tend to watch a lot of TV (I’ve already solidified my movie whore status, branching now into TV shows). This zombiehood in front of the TV ensures I’m not very active or motivated to do anything else. So in short it’s a number of reasons that escalate and snowballs into my stand still of laziness.

What does get me motivated?

Now I try to limit my TV consumption so I don’t get into that zone. That helps a lot. Staying away from the tube allows me to be in the now and get things done. However that also involves going out, maybe spending money, and sometimes not being able to just chill and relax, which is what I want to do most when I’m not working.

Also the weather plays a huge role on my mood. Like Superman or Captain Planet I get most of my energy from the sun. So when it’s sunny outside I get a rush of energy both physically and mentally. I’m more likely motivated to go for walks, be social or accomplish something (be it small or large task).

For years my boyfriend has been preaching the benefits and ideology of better eating and fitness. And while I agree with him I’ve always been a slow learner. Lately I’ve been taking a considerable effort to try to eat healthier, drink more water, and work out properly. After even a week and now two or three I do feel better and have a lot more energy. I have to admit I don’t feel as tired and it’s easier for me to get up and get things done. I’ve really noticed since I’ve slipped up and gotten back in bad habits that I’m tired, slower and less inclined to do stuff. So now I have to suck it up and admit defeat to that battle. He’s definitely going to rub it in my face….

In short what I’ve learned is that you need to focus to motivate yourself. While it’s easier and more comfortable to be lazy and do nothing life isn’t on the couch, it’s out there. I need to remember why I’m unmotivated and the reasons I should be and remember what gets me motivated. It’s my enemy and I can fight my own battles, cus the only person who can get me up and going is me.

5. Do A Nude Photo Shoot (accomplished June 26th, 2011)

Yeah I said Nude. Everyone who’s ever looked at a trashy tabloid is now thinking what! Why? Don’t do it! Nude pictures always come back to haunt those famous people. So what’s up with actually wanting to do and then have naked pictures of myself?  Why Not?!

When I first sat down to write a bucket list my main goal was two things: to accomplish something I’d always wanted to do and never did, and to push myself to accomplish the things I never did because I was scared or uncomfortable. The goal was to get out of my comfort zone, do something bold, get a rush.

So again, yeah I’m saying nude photo shoot. This one defiantly followed the pushing myself goal.

When I was younger I had so much confidence in myself, I was seldom scared of doing something. Even when I was picked on that didn’t stop me from doing what I wanted to do. But now, as an adult, that confidence was rocked. After surviving an awkward and slightly geeky high school experience and later on a horrible and long relationship it was hanging on by a thread.

Not to say I’m a secret cutter or anything but as for most people body image and confidence stops them from doing a lot.

It was my horrible and long relationship that gave me a body image complex. I gained a lot of weight and even after losing it my partner was lets just say unsupportive (asshole or abusive could be other words to use but we’re being nice here so unsupportive). He made me feel worthless. I forgot who I was. This vivacious and confident person.

I have gotten a lot of that back and finally feel like the old me. And I am so happy to be with someone who loves me and all my round and fleshy bits, every butt dimple and roll. So knowing that gives me a massive boost in ego.

Now I know I’m not ugly. I don’t want to sound full of myself, cus we just went through why I’m not, but I’m not deluded or thinking I’m an ugly hippo or something. I’m pretty. And normal in height and weight.

So when I thought about doing a nude photo shoot I felt it would push me, show me how beautiful I am, and be an experience I’d always remember (I’d have pictures after all!). Having a body image complex and not very close family or girlfriends I was uncomfortable with the idea of being naked in front of people. I had never done it before with anyone but a boyfriend. Even in changing rooms being topless was weird for me so this was going to be a big leap. That was my main reason, pushing my comfort zone, getting over this absurd fear.

The other reason was I think every girl dreams of having a photo shoot done. Where she’s glammed up, hair and makeup done, and feels like a million bucks. It’s glamorous and exciting. Were you’re the centre of attention and afterwards you have these photos of you that make you look amazing. They are the best view of yourself. I wanted to have that experience.

I especially was looking forward to the photos. To have something that showed how beautiful, sexy, exotic maybe I was. To remind me. I don’t think I photograph well so having a pro do it and touch them up seemed the best possible way of getting them.

I had looked up photographers and defiantly wanted someone not dodgy. I wanted to make sure I felt comfortable with them. Near Christmas I had found a great photographer online. It was a girl, which made me more comfortable, and she had an amazing portfolio that looked professional and classy.

In our emails and such, she came across as friendly and approachable. It was a lot of money but if I was going to do it I’d rather have someone I like and someone good. Randomly I checked her website and she had a special shoot deal that I just had to jump on. An hour shoot at the Soho Hotel for half the price of her normal shoot was a steal.

So the day of I got my hair done and did my make up. I kind of felt like a call girl getting a text with the hotel room number and going up but it turned out well when I got there. It was a really pretty suite and Katie and another girl photographer were there. They both had clients and would act as the other’s assistant while shooting.

I had brought some outfits and they picked out blankets etc and locations and then we got started. I was nervous but as I was starting mostly clothed (bra and thong) I sucked it up and jumped in. With two outfit changed I went from scantily clothed to not at all and man where did I get the courage to do that!

By the end I was very comfortable; although not the best at the sucking it in awkward posing that was involved. So after the hour I got dressed and headed back home with this feeling of happiness. I couldn’t believe I did it, accomplished it. Regardless of what the photos turned out I felt I changed my view point about myself. I’m a little more peppy, sexy, and confident.

A couple of weeks later I got 5 contact sheets with all the photos on it. I was shocked at how they turned out. I had no idea I could look like that. Picking my top five favorites I sent them back to get edited and photoshoped. I am so glad I got the chance to do this. I now have something to look at forever that reminds me that I’m a bold, gutsy, sexy, woman who believes in herself and can do anything she puts her mind to.

Getting Older

I am verging on late twenties. Eek. Ok so I know twenty seven isn’t that bad but when I was younger I defiantly had an idea that thirty was old and by then I’d have things all figured out. I’m starting to think, you never figure things out. It’s more of a stumble through. But back to the original topic who am I. Oh yeah verging on late twenties.

I think it was a couple of years ago that I looked around and realized everyone was living these lives that were totally different from mine. Everyone was graduating, buying houses, getting real jobs, some even kids or marriage. Where was I? When did we all decide to get here in our lives? And why didn’t I feel a part of it?

I think this was when I grew up. I didn’t think about my life very much before. Not that I didn’t wonder what I wanted to do job wise or things like that, I mean I don’t think I ever stopped and looked at the bigger picture. From the time I thought it as a kid to the time I am now, I never thought of marriage, kids, the whole lot as something that had a time limit or maybe needed to be planned out. I just thought it’d happen. Thought of it as the future, way in the future, when I was older.

But now everyone around me was doing just this. I looked around and thought should I be this person? I decided against it. I am not one to go with the crowd or change who I inherently am. But it did open my eyes. I should grow up. Even just a little.

This is the time when I really think I should buckle down and be a grown up. But who wants to do that.

I had traveled for six years after I graduated high school and so when I came back I felt a little lost. Everyone had moved on in their lives and were so far ahead of where most think you should be at my age. I took the road less traveled and, while I had an amazing time and gain so many experiences, I couldn’t help but now feel like I’m racing to catch up. To the big picture, whatever that is. I just need to find it. Making it a reality? Now that’s the hard part.

Play with a cub (Accomplished June 2nd, 2011)

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Travel Choices

Every time someone hears about my travels I inevitably get asked the same question: What is your favorite place? Where is the best place you’ve been (or some version of this)

Now this always puts me in a bad spot. The truth is I couldn’t tell you.

Let me give you some details. After I graduated high school I decided to go to Europe to backpack for a couple of months. Those couple of months turned into couple of years, and next thing I knew I had backpacked for over four years to almost 40 countries.

I’ve given a lot of thought into it and what place I would choose. There are a lot of places that I’ve been, some I loved and some I didn’t. But in my opinion the places that I’ve loved the most have been the ones I could picture living in. The ones I’ve taken the time to sit back, relax and just take in the city.

Most times I find you can get wrapped up in going around seeing the sights that you just don’t get to sit back and take in the actual place. So I’ve thought about it and made my best choices.

1. Paris

Beautiful. Not only does Paris have that relaxing just take in the city feel but it has sights and museums you can’t stop going to. A bit of a history nut I love going here. Every part of the city is seeping with some sort of story. And if you don’t like that kind of stuff there is always the food. Mmmm the food…

2. New York

Who doesn’t love this mecca? So full of arts, fashion, music and so much more. I feel like you could come here over and over again and still not full absorb the city. It has so many things to see and so many boroughs that are unique in their own way. Besides the movie and TV sights, you could spend a week just checking out all the cultural things around town. I love myself a bustling city and this one provides just that.

3. Australia Outback

I wouldn’t call myself a huge outdoors person but it’s hard to not get into the spirit of this place. So awe inspiring and massive it’s a combination of beautiful and deadly. I think I loved this place so much because it’s so out of your normal routine. Between hikes, camping outside, learning Aboriginal ways, taking in sunrises and sunsets, eating strange meat, and swimming in gorges that may or may not have crocs in it you really start to get into the swing of things. I love the live off the land type feel and couldn’t get enough of it.

4. London

This is defiantly where the people made the place. I live here for the longest so I was able to meet so many unique people. Having the time to go out and make memories in such a crazy city was amazing. I am also a nook and cranny person and the UK is full of that. London is so seeped in history and culture it’s hard to be bored here. It is also a great centre for travel, you are able to go anywhere pretty easily. I doubt I would love it the same way though with out the people I met there.

What do you think? What is your favorite place?