Battling the Enemy: Motivation

I started this blog to remember my bucket list so I’d have a record of my experiences and thoughts before, after and during the adventures. I knew that I wouldn’t be posting them every day or even every week but I thought I’d keep up to date and regularly post something.

Turns out I’ve really been in the bad on posting anything. And what makes it worse is that means that I’m not doing anything either. No bucket list, no adventures, no nothing.

So why the nothing? Why the halt in my writing, my adventures, my action?

Meet my biggest enemy: Motivation

I am a procrastinator. I wont lie I am. Lazy would be another word but I feel like I am active ish and with all my travels, socializing, and adventures I can’t believe I’m too lazy. But there it is, procrastination is my middle name.

I think it comes from being scared to do something. I get nervous even building up to having to call and inquire about something important. As a child we never talked about our problems or how to solve them. You figured it out on your own. So mustering up the energy to do something or say something and it not work out is a huge blow; to not only not getting the thing done but also your ego. It’s another reminder you are alone in this, no one will be there to help you out or get you out of it.

It’s also a typical learn from example scenario. I grew up surrounded by people who didn’t follow through or put things off. Still to this day they are promising things they will never get around to doing. Now I work very hard to not be this way, cus that would suck and I hate letting people down. But I know I don’t follow through enough. And the person it hurts most is me.

Besides the deep seeded traits of my youth, haha, I think money has a huge effect on my motivation. Since I switched jobs and my money flow is now super tight I find it hard for me to get energized to do something. It’s a tug a war between the need to save money and the want to have a social life and have fun. Most of the time fun looses.

As I stay in more I tend to watch a lot of TV (I’ve already solidified my movie whore status, branching now into TV shows). This zombiehood in front of the TV ensures I’m not very active or motivated to do anything else. So in short it’s a number of reasons that escalate and snowballs into my stand still of laziness.

What does get me motivated?

Now I try to limit my TV consumption so I don’t get into that zone. That helps a lot. Staying away from the tube allows me to be in the now and get things done. However that also involves going out, maybe spending money, and sometimes not being able to just chill and relax, which is what I want to do most when I’m not working.

Also the weather plays a huge role on my mood. Like Superman or Captain Planet I get most of my energy from the sun. So when it’s sunny outside I get a rush of energy both physically and mentally. I’m more likely motivated to go for walks, be social or accomplish something (be it small or large task).

For years my boyfriend has been preaching the benefits and ideology of better eating and fitness. And while I agree with him I’ve always been a slow learner. Lately I’ve been taking a considerable effort to try to eat healthier, drink more water, and work out properly. After even a week and now two or three I do feel better and have a lot more energy. I have to admit I don’t feel as tired and it’s easier for me to get up and get things done. I’ve really noticed since I’ve slipped up and gotten back in bad habits that I’m tired, slower and less inclined to do stuff. So now I have to suck it up and admit defeat to that battle. He’s definitely going to rub it in my face….

In short what I’ve learned is that you need to focus to motivate yourself. While it’s easier and more comfortable to be lazy and do nothing life isn’t on the couch, it’s out there. I need to remember why I’m unmotivated and the reasons I should be and remember what gets me motivated. It’s my enemy and I can fight my own battles, cus the only person who can get me up and going is me.

5. Do A Nude Photo Shoot (accomplished June 26th, 2011)

Yeah I said Nude. Everyone who’s ever looked at a trashy tabloid is now thinking what! Why? Don’t do it! Nude pictures always come back to haunt those famous people. So what’s up with actually wanting to do and then have naked pictures of myself?  Why Not?!

When I first sat down to write a bucket list my main goal was two things: to accomplish something I’d always wanted to do and never did, and to push myself to accomplish the things I never did because I was scared or uncomfortable. The goal was to get out of my comfort zone, do something bold, get a rush.

So again, yeah I’m saying nude photo shoot. This one defiantly followed the pushing myself goal.

When I was younger I had so much confidence in myself, I was seldom scared of doing something. Even when I was picked on that didn’t stop me from doing what I wanted to do. But now, as an adult, that confidence was rocked. After surviving an awkward and slightly geeky high school experience and later on a horrible and long relationship it was hanging on by a thread.

Not to say I’m a secret cutter or anything but as for most people body image and confidence stops them from doing a lot.

It was my horrible and long relationship that gave me a body image complex. I gained a lot of weight and even after losing it my partner was lets just say unsupportive (asshole or abusive could be other words to use but we’re being nice here so unsupportive). He made me feel worthless. I forgot who I was. This vivacious and confident person.

I have gotten a lot of that back and finally feel like the old me. And I am so happy to be with someone who loves me and all my round and fleshy bits, every butt dimple and roll. So knowing that gives me a massive boost in ego.

Now I know I’m not ugly. I don’t want to sound full of myself, cus we just went through why I’m not, but I’m not deluded or thinking I’m an ugly hippo or something. I’m pretty. And normal in height and weight.

So when I thought about doing a nude photo shoot I felt it would push me, show me how beautiful I am, and be an experience I’d always remember (I’d have pictures after all!). Having a body image complex and not very close family or girlfriends I was uncomfortable with the idea of being naked in front of people. I had never done it before with anyone but a boyfriend. Even in changing rooms being topless was weird for me so this was going to be a big leap. That was my main reason, pushing my comfort zone, getting over this absurd fear.

The other reason was I think every girl dreams of having a photo shoot done. Where she’s glammed up, hair and makeup done, and feels like a million bucks. It’s glamorous and exciting. Were you’re the centre of attention and afterwards you have these photos of you that make you look amazing. They are the best view of yourself. I wanted to have that experience.

I especially was looking forward to the photos. To have something that showed how beautiful, sexy, exotic maybe I was. To remind me. I don’t think I photograph well so having a pro do it and touch them up seemed the best possible way of getting them.

I had looked up photographers and defiantly wanted someone not dodgy. I wanted to make sure I felt comfortable with them. Near Christmas I had found a great photographer online. It was a girl, which made me more comfortable, and she had an amazing portfolio that looked professional and classy.

In our emails and such, she came across as friendly and approachable. It was a lot of money but if I was going to do it I’d rather have someone I like and someone good. Randomly I checked her website and she had a special shoot deal that I just had to jump on. An hour shoot at the Soho Hotel for half the price of her normal shoot was a steal.

So the day of I got my hair done and did my make up. I kind of felt like a call girl getting a text with the hotel room number and going up but it turned out well when I got there. It was a really pretty suite and Katie and another girl photographer were there. They both had clients and would act as the other’s assistant while shooting.

I had brought some outfits and they picked out blankets etc and locations and then we got started. I was nervous but as I was starting mostly clothed (bra and thong) I sucked it up and jumped in. With two outfit changed I went from scantily clothed to not at all and man where did I get the courage to do that!

By the end I was very comfortable; although not the best at the sucking it in awkward posing that was involved. So after the hour I got dressed and headed back home with this feeling of happiness. I couldn’t believe I did it, accomplished it. Regardless of what the photos turned out I felt I changed my view point about myself. I’m a little more peppy, sexy, and confident.

A couple of weeks later I got 5 contact sheets with all the photos on it. I was shocked at how they turned out. I had no idea I could look like that. Picking my top five favorites I sent them back to get edited and photoshoped. I am so glad I got the chance to do this. I now have something to look at forever that reminds me that I’m a bold, gutsy, sexy, woman who believes in herself and can do anything she puts her mind to.

Getting Older

I am verging on late twenties. Eek. Ok so I know twenty seven isn’t that bad but when I was younger I defiantly had an idea that thirty was old and by then I’d have things all figured out. I’m starting to think, you never figure things out. It’s more of a stumble through. But back to the original topic who am I. Oh yeah verging on late twenties.

I think it was a couple of years ago that I looked around and realized everyone was living these lives that were totally different from mine. Everyone was graduating, buying houses, getting real jobs, some even kids or marriage. Where was I? When did we all decide to get here in our lives? And why didn’t I feel a part of it?

I think this was when I grew up. I didn’t think about my life very much before. Not that I didn’t wonder what I wanted to do job wise or things like that, I mean I don’t think I ever stopped and looked at the bigger picture. From the time I thought it as a kid to the time I am now, I never thought of marriage, kids, the whole lot as something that had a time limit or maybe needed to be planned out. I just thought it’d happen. Thought of it as the future, way in the future, when I was older.

But now everyone around me was doing just this. I looked around and thought should I be this person? I decided against it. I am not one to go with the crowd or change who I inherently am. But it did open my eyes. I should grow up. Even just a little.

This is the time when I really think I should buckle down and be a grown up. But who wants to do that.

I had traveled for six years after I graduated high school and so when I came back I felt a little lost. Everyone had moved on in their lives and were so far ahead of where most think you should be at my age. I took the road less traveled and, while I had an amazing time and gain so many experiences, I couldn’t help but now feel like I’m racing to catch up. To the big picture, whatever that is. I just need to find it. Making it a reality? Now that’s the hard part.

Play with a cub (Accomplished June 2nd, 2011)

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Travel Choices

Every time someone hears about my travels I inevitably get asked the same question: What is your favorite place? Where is the best place you’ve been (or some version of this)

Now this always puts me in a bad spot. The truth is I couldn’t tell you.

Let me give you some details. After I graduated high school I decided to go to Europe to backpack for a couple of months. Those couple of months turned into couple of years, and next thing I knew I had backpacked for over four years to almost 40 countries.

I’ve given a lot of thought into it and what place I would choose. There are a lot of places that I’ve been, some I loved and some I didn’t. But in my opinion the places that I’ve loved the most have been the ones I could picture living in. The ones I’ve taken the time to sit back, relax and just take in the city.

Most times I find you can get wrapped up in going around seeing the sights that you just don’t get to sit back and take in the actual place. So I’ve thought about it and made my best choices.

1. Paris

Beautiful. Not only does Paris have that relaxing just take in the city feel but it has sights and museums you can’t stop going to. A bit of a history nut I love going here. Every part of the city is seeping with some sort of story. And if you don’t like that kind of stuff there is always the food. Mmmm the food…

2. New York

Who doesn’t love this mecca? So full of arts, fashion, music and so much more. I feel like you could come here over and over again and still not full absorb the city. It has so many things to see and so many boroughs that are unique in their own way. Besides the movie and TV sights, you could spend a week just checking out all the cultural things around town. I love myself a bustling city and this one provides just that.

3. Australia Outback

I wouldn’t call myself a huge outdoors person but it’s hard to not get into the spirit of this place. So awe inspiring and massive it’s a combination of beautiful and deadly. I think I loved this place so much because it’s so out of your normal routine. Between hikes, camping outside, learning Aboriginal ways, taking in sunrises and sunsets, eating strange meat, and swimming in gorges that may or may not have crocs in it you really start to get into the swing of things. I love the live off the land type feel and couldn’t get enough of it.

4. London

This is defiantly where the people made the place. I live here for the longest so I was able to meet so many unique people. Having the time to go out and make memories in such a crazy city was amazing. I am also a nook and cranny person and the UK is full of that. London is so seeped in history and culture it’s hard to be bored here. It is also a great centre for travel, you are able to go anywhere pretty easily. I doubt I would love it the same way though with out the people I met there.

What do you think? What is your favorite place?

My love of Sci-Fi

Ok I’m going to admit it. I have a bit of an affinity for sci fi. Well maybe more than that. I think it’s got some good qualities…Okay I love it; you got it out of me. And I’m not talking about the cheesy aliens hard core weirdness of some shows and movies that we see everyday. I’m talking give me some wicked 90’s cheesy gold of a sci fi show.

I think it dates back to when I was young. My parents always read fantasy children’s books to me and I played alone, a lot. Imagination was my friend so naturally the thought of elves, gateways, magic, or other worlds didn’t faze me too much. It could be possible, why not? At least it was entertaining and far more interesting than our normal boring world.

So, now a grown woman, I’ve recently picked up my sci fi habit again and to be honest I’m loving it! That’s right guys, I’ve embraced the cheese. Let me just give you a short list of the Tv shows I have in my possession: all seasons of Stargate SG1 and the Atlantis, all seasons of Sliders (oh yeah Jerry how you rock my 90’s heart), Heros, Firefly, Buffy seasons, True Blood seasons, something called Kyle XY, regrettably sucked into Vampire Diaries, and I’ve even caught myself pulled into a Star Trek episode (however please don’t judge me as a treky). That’s not including the books which even I, a self admitted sci fi lover, can’t claim as nothing more than a nerd alert haha.

Just finishing the last season of Sliders I can’t help but remark on the awesomely lame effects and (sometimes) plot lines that I find myself loving anyway. I think this translates to all of the shows, which looking back all seem to be created in the 90’s. Yes the styles, the music, and the ridiculous overuse of lasers. The 90’s was where it all happened. So at least it's fun to watch even if your not a big fan.

So for all those who question sci fi and bulk at it’s awesomeness just think of the possibilities. It’s an escape into something you’ve never seen before and makes it more than entertaining to watch. If that doesn’t convince you then at least it’s a good laugh while watching, hey who doesn’t love a little bit of topless Jerry O’Connell.

Epic Nights

I’ve been thinking lately about epic nights out. Recently I watched The Hangover. You know the drunken binge of a night of ridiculous that none of them remember so much that they lost a whole person movie. Thinking about it this movie is kind of like Dude Where’s My Car with just better writing and replacing a car with a living person, wow people way to be creative.

In any case watching The Hangover made me try to remember my own drunken evenings. How often can we really say we’ve had an epic night? I was out the other day for a friend’s birthday and while I watched my friend drunkenly make out with a total stranger on the only whim that he was dancing close-ish I wondered, what makes a night amazing? How do you reach that level of epic? Is this night epic? I’m gonna throw out a no.

While I think these memorable nights are based on a certain level of drunkenness (and believe you me I have been working on the levels of my drunkenness for a while!) I don’t think a night of debauchery and epic-ness happens often at all.

In all my years of semi intoxication (who am I kidding full intoxication) and nocturnal shenanigans I can only count a handful of nights of epic proportions.

1. The German Ensemble

On this festive occasion, my friends Blair and I had purchased matching Oktoberfest costumes (his a lederhosen and mine a dirndl). You know those oh so sexy German milk maid dresses and overall looking shorts. These were most importantly stag shop velour Oktoberfest outfits. Oh yeah, as I said sexy.

During the night I was drunkenly convinced that my friend was going to make out with her cousin and refused to stay at her house. So I proceeded to pick up the guy I was talking to and grab a ride with him back to near where I lived. Unfortunately for me the “ride” I had thought was a cab was really a bus full of his pretty sober co-workers. We created a pretty elaborate back story about how this guy and I knew each other and I hopped on. Again, alas, I was the only one wearing any Oktoberfest paraphernalia (who goes to a beer hall and doesn’t even don a feathered hat? So who are they to judge my velour dirndl and giant feather? Bastards). I ended up making a good impression and went to their bar for after hours drinks. Needless to say I did not make it for class in the am.

As for Blair he had a great night too. While he was concerned about our friends “closeness” to her cousin he still went back with the rest of them to her place to crash (class was in the am and she lived near campus). In the morning Blair got up for class. He had passed out on the floor in his costume and when he woke up he could not find his glasses or normal clothes (they were right next to where he was laying). So that being said he proceeded to class on schedule, sat in the back of class hung-over, with two large cups of coffee in each hand, and his laptop in his green velour lederhosen for the 3 hours and then caught the bus home. Epic and hilarious.

2.  The Switch-a-roo aka The Sleeping Slip

While I was living at a hostel in the UK I was moving around rooms and beds for weeks. I ended up in a room with a good friend and a guy switched beds with me so we could share a bunk bed (her on the top bunk and me on the bottom). After a long night of dancing and beverages of the alcoholic nature I went upstairs and crashed in my bunk.

A few hours later I woke up to someone making out with me. Strangely though I thought I was dreaming of a guy I liked. After a minute, and waking up a bit more, I realized it was not a dream. I thought I was making out with the guy I liked and thought yay! And got more into it. After another minute, and now fully awake, I felt this guy’s face and realized wait a minute! This isn’t him! He doesn’t have an eyebrow ring.

Now fully awake I came to the realization that I was making out with a total stranger, and had been for at least five minutes, in the dark. Not that the making out wasn’t good but hey weird with a stranger. My decision was to feign drunkenness and shove him towards to other bunk like I was done with him, mumbling get into your own bed. He as drunk (or more so) as I passed out right away and was gone from the other bunk when I woke up.

So that is how I made out with a complete stranger in the dark. I am guessing it was the guy who switched with me and he drunkenly forgot that it wasn’t his bunk. It was just a plus that he found a girl in it when he got there. But alas to this day I can’t remember what he looked like.

3. The Sober Drunk

I had been traveling in New Zealand for a couple of months and had come back to Waterloo for a couple of days before flying home to Bermuda. If you hadn’t heard the jet lag coming back east is terrible and I was suffering big time!

What to do in two days in Waterloo? Party that’s what! I gathered up my girls and we hit the proverbial town. Now Waterloo’s not a huge hot spot but we did find “The Flying Dog” and decided to put on our dancing shoes. Donned in heels and my favorite little black dress I prepared for a long night.

I had stopped drinking for a while when I was in NZ so that night I hadn’t had any drinks. I was, for the whole time, completely sober. We proceeded to dance, a lot. I mean pros would be tired after all the dancing we did. And with heels I was extra proud of us. From 9 till 2am we carved up the dance floor and scoped out “the talent”.

Picking up some people and an odd but nice guy we dubbed DJ Random we left the bar for some after hours drinks. After potentially the longest cab ride ever we ended up at DJ Random’s place. Pumping up the music we proceeded to party what was left of the night away. As I was jet lagged I was wide awake. I’ve never had that much energy going out before, and let me just say my moves were on fire!

We rolled out of DJ Random’s about 6:30am and on the drive back, still were super pumped. For about 2 minutes we seriously thought about continuing on the party and driving to Niagara Falls (where I was flying out the next day). But after some reason from the driver we decided against and all went home for some r-n-r.  I think that was the first time I’ve ever partied that hard with out any alcohol, and it certainly was the longest!

4. Random Strangers

I had just traveled to New Zealand with my friend Yanna and were staying at our friend Greg’s place. After a long road trip we came back to Greg’s place to bunk down but couldn’t seem to find him or his roommate.  Setting our stuff down we walked a couple houses down to see if we could find his best friend Kieran.

Again not finding Kieran we did however run into his four male roommates. Meeting them for the first time we made quick friends and decided to have some drinks with them.

Drinks turned into drinking games. Really getting into the party spirit we jumped in one of the boys trucks and headed to the local bar on campus. With some dancing and very country town drinking (they have a meat auction, actually auction off slabs of meat at the bar wow talk about small country town) we drank and partied, drank and partied till the bar closed.

After falling in some bushes and piling in the back of the truck we cranked the music to its top volume and drove (more recklessly than necessary, our DD was pretty stupid) down the “main” street in town.

Skidding slash donuting on to the front lawn we poured out of the truck. Next thing I knew the doors were open, speakers blaring and we were dancing on the front lawn. I blinked and all of a sudden we all had drinks, blinked again and Kieran was there, blinked again and he was downstairs drink in hand. What was going on! Next I looked up and everyone was topless. So there we were topless and dancing on the front lawn of our host’s best friend with four strangers (pretty much) on one of the most random unplanned nights ever.

After some calming down we went inside to chill and have more drinks. We ended up having to bribe the boys with pancakes to get outta there.