Two Worlds

I am a person trapped between two worlds. I always have been I guess. It was a lot easier when I was little cus I would simply be where my parents are. But now that I am grown it’s not that simple. This is becoming a bigger and bigger problem in my life.

I was born in Bermuda and lived there till I was about twelve. My family then moved to Waterloo Ontario in Canada. I went to junior high and high school there and have lived, off and on, in Canada ever since.  My family however one by one moved back and I have been going back and forth for years.

So that’s where I am. It would be different if I didn’t have memories of living in Bermuda, never went back there every summer, or had family there. But I have a life there, no matter how small.

There are so many things I love in both places, but they are two very different places.  It’s hard for me to choose. It’s especially hard when each has events that I love to participate in. There are distinct feels to each place.

In Canada I am in a big city, the world is my oyster. I could go anywhere, do anything. It’s a cheaper, easier and faster world. I am independent and have made my own life here, with work, school and travels. My boyfriend of 3 years is here and not anticipating moving anytime soon. He doesn’t even like travelling all that much. I have my own place and furniture and it’s an affordable place to be.  I love the city and also the country and Canada provides both.

But it is a cold place (of course) and sometimes a lonely one. I’m also not very mobile and have had to pass on numerous road trips and even a couple weddings because I couldn’t get around. It’s also not a place where people let go very often. I’ve often remarked on how hard it would be to put on that same kind of events Bermuda has in Canada. I can’t just go to the beach or have a house party or barbeque.

Bermuda is a much smaller place. While I give up my independence I do become way more mobile. I have a bike and can go anywhere at any time. I love the colors and beauty of the island. You are always five minutes from the beach or a park. I also love how town is a cute condensed place to be. Things aren’t spread out all over the island. The element of social activity is predominant here. People are always up for dinner or drinks or barbeques. Having a house and backyard as well is a freedom I don’t have here.

On the downside it is a small place. There is not much to do there so you can get stuck in spending and drinking a lot. I usually gain so much weight when I go down cus the only thing to do is go out. It’s an expensive place when that’s all you’re doing. If I ever lived there it would be absurdly pricy (furniture, apt, transportation etc.). Finally my family lives there and while I love them they can be annoying. They don’t really know me or understand me so it’s hard to constantly be pushed to do stuff.

I have recently started working for my sister. Her company is in Bermuda and it is a great opportunity to get experience and make some money. I’m also happy to help her gain more clients and business.

This is where I really feel the pull between the two places. I work from home in Toronto which is working for now but there are things that would be easier if I was at the office. However the thought of moving down there seems so daunting.

It’s a lot to think about and decide on. I still don’t know. When I’m here I’m home but when I go to Bermuda that fits too. I think it’s something that I’m always going to have to deal with. They’re both never not going to be home.

Happiness??

I recently watch a TED talk on the subject of happiness and it got me to thinking about mine. I guess that’s a question everyone asks themselves every day: Will this make me happy? Am I happy? Etc… But I don’t think many of us really truly look at it from a deeper stand point. I mean other than regarding the current moment; we don’t ever take a step back and analyze our lives at a whole.

The talk was recommended to me by my boyfriend, not because he thinks I’m unhappy but because he knows I enjoy travel and it’s used as an example. 

The speaker’s main point was that we should separate our experience self and our memory self, and both have differences in happiness.  Or more clearly it’s the difference between us experiencing something and being happy in the present moment to moment and having a memory of an experience and how pleased we are with our remembered lives.

So the money question is am I happy? And most importantly what is happiness to me?

Truth is I’m not happy in my daily life. Most of my experience daily is a succession of let downs. Mostly because I set goals or expectations that I don’t live up to and I punish myself and feel bad for not doing better.

It’s a catch 22, I feel overwhelmed or unhappy trying to live up to these tasks or failing to do so; or because I worked so hard, went through adversity the reward makes me very happy.  So should I be unhappy in the moment to have a happier memory in the end?

This is mostly spurred on by money, health or accomplishing larger life goals. So is it just me that is not fulfilling my own dreams and experiences, ie I’m ruining my own happy experience?

I think in part it is. In terms of money I do feel happier when I have more money and am not worrying about making ends meet. When I was earning more I found I was more motivated and easier going with my daily life. So I was happy in one way. However I was miserable in my job and that unhappiness branched out into other aspects of my life. So was I really happy? I don’t think so.  And more so now that I am making less but am in a job that I like for a number of reasons I find I’m happier but also have to deal with the troubles of financial woe.

The speaker did mention that money does play a role in experiential happiness. For people that earn $60,000 their experiences and happiness during them don’t rise the more money they make, however people who earn less get more and more unhappy in their experiences in the struggle to make ends meet.  Both may have happy memories and be happy with their lives but their present moments of experience are unhappy. Is this happening with me?

Now besides money, I am a person spurred on by life experiences. I have been working on my bucket list and find while I am afraid and not having the best moment to moment experience at the time, the feeling of accomplishment and memory of the occurrences to me are worth it. So in that case I am very happy with my remembered life and memories. I don’t need to have a in the moment happy experience.

In terms of my traveling and love of doing it I think it hits both aspects of happiness. It is defiantly something I do for the memories and experiences and I remember them with fond recollection. I feel happy with my life for going around the world and doing strange things. My adventures make for good stories and connections with other people. Strangely I am also happy in the moment. During my travels I’m able to step back and appreciate what I’m experiencing. This is probably one part of my life where I am happy all the time before, during and after. That may be why I love doing it over and over again.

So what’s worth more to me? Current or remembered happiness? Deep down I believe my memories and remembered experiences are who I am and make a difference in how I act in the current moment.

Am I happy with my life? Yes I think I am. I’ve accomplished and done so many things I can only be happy with my memories. These have formed me into a person I am proud of. The thing I have to remember is to stop and smell the roses every once in a while. I need to make sure I live in the moment more and ensure I’m happy with it.

What do you think? What makes you happy?

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/daniel_kahneman_the_riddle_of_experience_vs_memory.html

Something to think about

I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love. I felt in myself a superabundance of energy which found no outlet in our quiet life.

- leo Tolstoy

Battling the Enemy: Motivation

I started this blog to remember my bucket list so I’d have a record of my experiences and thoughts before, after and during the adventures. I knew that I wouldn’t be posting them every day or even every week but I thought I’d keep up to date and regularly post something.

Turns out I’ve really been in the bad on posting anything. And what makes it worse is that means that I’m not doing anything either. No bucket list, no adventures, no nothing.

So why the nothing? Why the halt in my writing, my adventures, my action?

Meet my biggest enemy: Motivation

I am a procrastinator. I wont lie I am. Lazy would be another word but I feel like I am active ish and with all my travels, socializing, and adventures I can’t believe I’m too lazy. But there it is, procrastination is my middle name.

I think it comes from being scared to do something. I get nervous even building up to having to call and inquire about something important. As a child we never talked about our problems or how to solve them. You figured it out on your own. So mustering up the energy to do something or say something and it not work out is a huge blow; to not only not getting the thing done but also your ego. It’s another reminder you are alone in this, no one will be there to help you out or get you out of it.

It’s also a typical learn from example scenario. I grew up surrounded by people who didn’t follow through or put things off. Still to this day they are promising things they will never get around to doing. Now I work very hard to not be this way, cus that would suck and I hate letting people down. But I know I don’t follow through enough. And the person it hurts most is me.

Besides the deep seeded traits of my youth, haha, I think money has a huge effect on my motivation. Since I switched jobs and my money flow is now super tight I find it hard for me to get energized to do something. It’s a tug a war between the need to save money and the want to have a social life and have fun. Most of the time fun looses.

As I stay in more I tend to watch a lot of TV (I’ve already solidified my movie whore status, branching now into TV shows). This zombiehood in front of the TV ensures I’m not very active or motivated to do anything else. So in short it’s a number of reasons that escalate and snowballs into my stand still of laziness.

What does get me motivated?

Now I try to limit my TV consumption so I don’t get into that zone. That helps a lot. Staying away from the tube allows me to be in the now and get things done. However that also involves going out, maybe spending money, and sometimes not being able to just chill and relax, which is what I want to do most when I’m not working.

Also the weather plays a huge role on my mood. Like Superman or Captain Planet I get most of my energy from the sun. So when it’s sunny outside I get a rush of energy both physically and mentally. I’m more likely motivated to go for walks, be social or accomplish something (be it small or large task).

For years my boyfriend has been preaching the benefits and ideology of better eating and fitness. And while I agree with him I’ve always been a slow learner. Lately I’ve been taking a considerable effort to try to eat healthier, drink more water, and work out properly. After even a week and now two or three I do feel better and have a lot more energy. I have to admit I don’t feel as tired and it’s easier for me to get up and get things done. I’ve really noticed since I’ve slipped up and gotten back in bad habits that I’m tired, slower and less inclined to do stuff. So now I have to suck it up and admit defeat to that battle. He’s definitely going to rub it in my face….

In short what I’ve learned is that you need to focus to motivate yourself. While it’s easier and more comfortable to be lazy and do nothing life isn’t on the couch, it’s out there. I need to remember why I’m unmotivated and the reasons I should be and remember what gets me motivated. It’s my enemy and I can fight my own battles, cus the only person who can get me up and going is me.